The HP version of All That
by Valias
Summary: Vital info with Draco, Ask Hermione, the musical guest, Cooking with Hagrid, and more! FINISHED!
1. Greatfellow and Blue Cheese Man

A/N: I also changed some stuff from All That (like the names), but it's the same concepts!  
  
Chapter 1: Greatfellow and Bleu Cheese Man  
  
Introduction: Ron, Harry, Hermione, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Co. are all wondering the same thing:  
  
Ron: Where in bloody hell is Neville?  
  
Harry: Knowing him...he probably unknowingly touched an unassuming object that turned out to be a portkey and transported him to Japan or something.... (He said this very mindlessly)  
  
Hermione: Harry! Don't be ridiculous!  
  
*Mr. Filch walks in wearing Kevin's usual outfit and carrying a plate full of kiwis* Mr. Filch: The show's starting in five minutes! You'd BETTER be ready! *He walks out muttering 'blasted kids'.*  
  
Harry: What're we going to do?  
  
Draco: We can start without the fat lump; no one will notice he's missing anyway.  
  
Ron: Don't make me curse you again...er....curse you!  
  
*Hermione rolls her eyes at the boys' immaturity*  
  
Suddenly, Neville comes out of nowhere and he's holding, of all things, a kiwi, and a 10 pound bag of rice. (really filled with feathers)  
  
Hermione: Neville! Where did you come from, and why in Merlin's beard are you holding a kiwi and a bag of rice?  
  
Neville: Filch offered me one from his plate of kiwis, but when I took it, it turned out to be a portkey and transported me to Japan! By the way, does anyone want some rice?  
  
Harry gave Hermione an I-Told-You-So look. Hermione couldn't react to this because Filch inconveniently burst in again.  
  
Filch: One minute! ONE minute till' the show starts! *He started to walk out with his teeth clenched muttering something that sounded like: Mrs. Norris...Purina Cat Chow Commercial* but Neville threw his bag of 'rice' at Filch and he passed out. All the cast members laughed for 59 seconds. The 'On Air' sign flashed.  
  
Draco: C'mon guys, the show starts now!  
  
Lee Jordan: Sit your derriere in your charier cause' its time for Allllllllllll That. *Theme song plays* It shows all the cast members wearing black muggle clothes and dancing. (A/N It's the same smiley face mascot, only this time it's canary yellow and it's wearing a witch's hat)* With a very special musical guest and special guest appearance!  
  
*Song ends and camera zooms to a set of a very fancy restaurant. Hermione, Ron, and Neville are all eating at a table. Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy are eating at another table. Suddenly Draco bursts in the door wearing a realistic costume of what appears to be a bottle of blue cheese dressing (Hidden Valley brand) with holes for his face and legs. (no holes for arms)*  
  
Hermione: *screams* ITS BLEU CHEESE MAN!  
  
Bleu Cheese Man: *Struggling as he walks* That's right, everyone better give me their salads NOW before I spew you all with my potent dressing! *laughs like Dr. Evil*  
  
Ron: NO! THIS SALAD COST 20 GALLEONS! THAT'S MY BLOODY LIFE SAVINGS!  
  
Bleu Cheese Man: Then prepare to be squirted! *He jumps up, which flings open the top of his costume. (A/N It's a flip top)*  
  
*Everyone covers their heads, but just then, Harry 'flies' through an open window and crashes to the floor in front of Bleu Cheese Man.(BCM for short) There is conveniently a pink fluffy pillow for him to land on. He's wearing a tight blue shirt and polyester pants, with red underwear over the pants. He also has on a red cape and on his shirt in a circle is GF in big letters.*  
  
Goyle: HEY! ITS GAYLORD FOCKER! Can I have your autograph?  
  
Hermione: No! That's from Meet the Parents...its Greatfellow!  
  
Greatfellow: That's right! I'm the defender of everything cheesy! *he puts his hands on his waist, an unearthly wind blowing his cape and hair back* And who's the cheese now? *Everyone points to BCM who is literally right in front of him* Oh yes, heh...silly me... (Goes red in the face)  
  
BCM: Well if it isn't Greatfellow... I guess I'll have to squirt you first! Hahahahahaha *throws head back in laughter and stumbles as he almost falls over*  
  
Pansy: NO! He's lactose intolerant!  
  
Crabbe and Goyle: WHAT?  
  
Hermione: Oh geez, it means he can't consume dairy products, duh!  
  
BCM: GREAT! That will make this excursion much easier, Greatfellow say your last words!  
  
Greatfellow: MOMMY!!! Oops, DADDY! Oops, HEDWIG!!!!!  
  
BCM throws himself forward, he falls, and bleu cheese dressing is squirted toward Greatfellow. Hermione, however jumps forward and gets hit with the dressing instead.  
  
BCM: HELP! I've fallen and I can't get up! *Everyone ignores him*  
  
Greatfellow: Thanks Hermione, why'd you do that?  
  
Hermione: Oh, because it was in the script. (McGonagall yells) Oops, I mean because you'd die from the bleu cheese dressing but I wouldn't because I'm not lactose intolerant.  
  
Greatfellow: Well thanks, but I'm really not. (McGonagall yells again) I mean I am, but blimey! There's a milk steal at the Dairy Bank, gotta go! *He jumps out the window again* (OW! Who forgot to put the cushion down?!)  
  
BCM: HEEEEELP!  
  
Everyone: Shut up! *They get a gigantic bowl of salad and dump it on him. (Ron: "Here's your salad, mate!) A ton of bunnies start hopping to the set to eat it.*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~ End of Chapter 1. What do you think? I know this one kinda sucked but I'll try to make the next skits a little funnier! Please review! 


	2. Goodburger

Chapter 2: Goodburger  
  
*The characters are now at the Goodburger set. Neville (Keville) is behind the counter. He's wearing Kel's usual outfit complete with that dorky hat and a dreadlock wig. Hermione (Mrs. Inarush, in a granny dress with a gray wig on) comes up to the counter to order some food.)  
  
Keville: Welcome to-to Goodburger, home of the Goo-goo-d-  
  
Mrs. Inarush: Hurry up boy I'm in a rush!  
  
Keville: Burger- I can't take your order?  
  
Mrs. Inarush: What do you mean you can't take my order? (looking annoyed)  
  
Keville: Oops, I mean I can, sorry I forgot my line, this is my first day here.  
  
Mrs. Inarush: That's evident. Just give me 2 non-greasy Goodburgers and a Prune juice flavored Goodshake to go, please and make it snappy, I'm late for Knitting Club!  
  
Keville: Ok. *He goes to the burgers, which are dipped in a lot of grease and takes two out with his bare hands. He then proceeds to wipe them off on his shirt. Mrs. Inarush (Mrs. I for short) sees this.  
  
Mrs. I: What d'you think you're doing? I'm not eating those burgers which you've just wiped on your lint filled shirt!  
  
Keville: Well it's not any grosser than peeing your pants! You've forgotten to put on your apends, haven't you? (Hermione whispers to him "depends") I mean pedends.  
  
Hermione: DEPENDS!  
  
Keville: What she said. *Mrs. I's dress was wet because a little kid had spilled their drink on her and she didn't notice this because she was too busy yelling at Keville and knitting a bra at the same time*  
  
Mrs. I: FORGET IT! I'm already LATE for my Knitting Club, and some IDIOT spilled their drink on my VERSACHI GRANNY DRESS! *She runs- er walks as fast as she can out of Goodburger. Just then, Alan Rickman walks in. Cheers can be heard from the audience. (Special guest!)*  
  
Neville: Hey, you're not in your costume!  
  
Alan R.: (whispers) That's because I'm supposed to be the special guest, dummy!  
  
Keville: OH! Welcome to Goodburger home of the Goodbooger, I can make your order!  
  
Alan R: (good enough) I'll have a greasy Goodburger and some Goodfries.  
  
*Keville goes to the burgers once again. Then he forgets that Alan is the special guest! He takes a greasy burger, goes to the counter again, and throws it in Alan's hair!*  
  
Alan R: (throwing the burger out of his hair): What was that for?!  
  
Keville: Your hair's supposed to be greasy, sir! Wait, that's not nearly greasy enough. *He takes the whole Goodburger container and dumps it over Alan's head.* There you go, sir! Alan: You foolish child! Oh why did I ever become involved in those movies when I could have done Die Hard 3? (or 4, whichever wasn't already made) *He storms out of the Goodburger leaving grease everywhere. Mr. Filch angrily comes out with a mop and a bucket of water and starts to clean the mess up. Gilderoy Lockhart comes in wearing his purple dressing gown and fluffy white slippers.*  
  
Keville: Welcome to Goodburger, home of the...Well you know! I've only said it a thousand times already! OOC:LOCKHART?!  
  
Lockhart: Is that who I am? Oh yes, now I remember. Would you like my autograph, little boy?  
  
Keville: Er- no that's alright. What did you want?  
  
Lockhart: Well...I can't remember what they're called. They're sort of round and brown...  
  
Keville: A Goodburger, maybe?  
  
Lockhart: Maybe...Are they greasy?  
  
Keville: Yes.  
  
Lockhart: Cheesy?  
  
Keville: Yes... (getting annoyed)  
  
Lockhart: 2 all beef patties, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, onions, pickles, special sauce on a sesame seed bun?  
  
Keville: (thinking...I need a sale...he's insane. (Lockhart's counting how many fingers he has) He won't know it's not from that muggle restaurant McDonnies or whatever it's called.) Yes...tha- that's right. Hold on I'll go get the burger...*retreats to get yet another greasy patty. This time he actually succeeds in putting it in a bun.*  
  
Lockhart: 10! TEN FINGERS! *Everyone stares at him like he's a madman. He then takes off his white fluffy slippers, flops down on the still greasy floor, and proceeds to count his toes.* ELEVEN...wait a minute...*recounts* No there's 10 too! HAH! 20 all together! Oh the wonderful joy of counting...*sighs*  
  
*Keville returns with the burger and gives it to Lockhart, who takes a bite. To Keville's shock, he slams the burger back on the counter, scowling.*  
  
Lockhart: Now I know a McChicken sandwich when I digest one...and that was not a McChicken sandwich at all!  
  
Keville: But you asked for a Good-  
  
Lockhart: Are you mocking me?  
  
Keville: Huh? You asked for a-  
  
Lockhart: I know I asked for a Mcfishwich but I want an Egg Mcbagel, NOW! So hurry up and get me one before I scare all the patients away....  
  
Keville: We don't have those... breakfast hours are over any-  
  
Lockhart: No they're not! It's only 5 p.m. of course breakfast has just started! Now get me a Pepperoni Mcbiscut and a hashmarroon.  
  
Keville: What the heck? Are you ok Profess..  
  
Lockhart: WHAT'S THIS ON MY FACE? *touching his nose* OH NO! It's not a wart is it?  
  
Keville: Professor, that's just your nose!  
  
Lockhart: Professor? My name is John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmitt and don't you forget it silly girl.  
  
Keville: SECURITY! *Lockhart starts doing the chicken dance on the spot while singing "Baba black lamb, have you any cotton?"*  
  
Keville: Oh no, there is no security guards here! Stupid Goyle spent the last of the budget on Apple Pies from McDonalds! He didn't even give me one. *frowns* *Lockhart does the worm, the Macarena, the robot, and an Irish jig all while singing children songs he thinks he knows the words to.*  
  
Lockhart: This old house elf, he had four, he went knick nak on my shoe with a nick nak chicken patty whack, give a dragon a bone, this old gnome came jogging home! Marty had a giant sheep, little lamb, ugly goat, Molly had a giant sheep it's wool was white as dirt! *Just then, three guards from the ward at St. Mungo's burst through the door.  
  
Guard number 1: (Hermione, forgot to take off her gray wig) OH FOR HEAVENS SAKE! I THOUGHT HE'D DIED! (looks semi-relieved, mostly disappointed.)  
  
Guard number 2: (Ron) Can I get a Quarter Pounder with cheese while we're here? *Looks at Hermione's wig, Hermione takes it off and throws it on the floor, red in the face. Lockhart picks up the wig and puts it on while doing the worm all around the restaurant.*  
  
Guard number 3: (Harry) NO! WE'RE ON DUTY! Although I would fancy some Mcfries and a McShake...  
  
Guard number 1: (Hermione) HELLO? Lockhart is doing the worm...wait the robot... wait a jig?! In the middle of a restaurant that isn't even McDonald's, and there's no such thing as a McShake or a Mcfry anyway!  
  
Guard number 3: It's not my fault the Dursley's never took me there! They only ever wanted to go to Red Lobster, where I was subjected to eat the leftover tails...*sniffs*  
  
Guard number 2: (Ron) Hey that looks like fun! *Imitates Lockhart doing the robot.* Muggles are very creative!  
  
Hermione: (OOC) You only now noticed this...  
  
Harry: Oh lighten up, Hermione! Look the crowd loves it! *He was quite right, everyone in the restaurant, including Draco and Voldemort....VOLDEMORT?! were gathered around Lockhart, Harry, Ron, and Hermione and cheering on Lockhart and Ron and requesting their favorite song and dance.*  
  
Draco: Do that worm one again, Lockhart!  
  
Voldemort: Sing that sheep song, I'm quite fond of it. *Looking at Harry menacingly.*  
  
Harry: *clutching his scar* I'll just have to blend in! *Starts doing the Macarena.*  
  
Hermione: Oh, why not! I can see this pilot's going down the drain anyway. *Does an Irish jig with Lockhart.*  
  
Neville: WHY? WHY IS IT ALWAYS MY FIVE MINUTES OF FAME RUINED?????  
  
What did you guys think of that one? I know it went seriously off topic... please review! Next one... Vital Info with Draco Malfoy. 


	3. Vital Information w Draco Malfoy

Chapter 3: Vital Information with Draco Malfoy  
  
Lee Jordan: And now here's Draco Malfoy with, hopefully, vital information for your everyday lives.  
  
*Cameras zoom to Vital Information set, where Draco is wearing a gray suit and tie behind Danny's (or whoever it is now) desk, playing with a pink slinky while singing " A slinky, a slinky..." He notices the cameras and immediately puts the slinky down, his face the color of a cherry. There is still a piece of lettuce on top of his white-blonde head. Lee points to it and Draco chucks it, now the color of a lobster...*  
  
Draco: What's ugly, tall, and red all over?  
  
Audience: I dunno, what?  
  
Draco: RON! *Ron's face rises to 100 degrees*  
  
Snape: You're supposed to be giving information, not silly children's jokes!  
  
Draco: Oh, sorry Professor...how about this: If you're shopping in a muggle store and you're not drunk, don't shout out really loud "HEY I'M A WIZARD HEAR ME ROAR!" unless you're Harry, Ron, or Hermione. *Laugh sign blinks and everyone laughs. Draco turns his head to the side.*  
  
Draco: When you're playing Quidditch and you see the snitch, don't catch it! It has vicious teeth and will surely bite you! *No one laughs but Harry, because he thinks it funny that Draco thinks he could convince him not to catch the snitch! Draco turns his head to the front again.*  
  
Draco: If you're a house elf and you haven't been presented with clothes, then consult Hermione, who has just finished knitting some lovely polka- dotted house-elf underwear! *Everyone laughs but Hermione, who looks daggers at Malfoy.*  
  
Lee: This has been Draco Malfoy with vital information for an idiot's daily life. *Malfoy scowls.* That's it so far. I don't know if I'll continue, maybe if I get some feedback... If I do, here's what you'll have to look forward to : Cookin' with Hagrid, one or more skits and the musical guest. Don't steal my ideas! 


	4. Cookin' with Hagrid

A/N: If anyone would like to read my version of the fifth Harry Potter book (not a parody all though there are some funny parts) e-mail me at Snowangel1210@mailcity.com. I can only check my e-mail once in a while, so bare with me. The reason I'm not posting it is because it'd be too time consuming and it's 16 chapters long.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any other related indicia. Harry Potter was created by J.K. Rowling and is property of her and Warner Bros. But you knew that! I also don't own All That but you knew that too, so on with the fic already!  
  
Chapter 4: Cookin' with Hagrid  
  
*Camera zooms to the cooking set where Hagrid is standing front and center behind a counter and has a giant purple bowl in front of him. He's wearing a flowery apron. Standing on either side of him are Harry and Ron*  
  
Hagrid: Welcome ter cookin' with Hagrid. Thanks ter Ron and Harry *He points to them; knocks Harry to the floor but does not notice* fer volunteering ter help me and ter test the food. *Harry and Ron gulp*  
  
Harry: *As he's getting up and standing back on his box* N-no problem Hagrid.  
  
Hagrid: Alrigh' now firs' we'll be makin' one o' my favorite snacks an' it's called Hagrid's best chocolate cake.  
  
Ron: *whispers to Harry* Well that sounds safe...  
  
Hagrid: First we'll need eggs, o' course. If you'll go get 'em Ron, they're in the fridge...  
  
*Ron goes to get eggs from Hagrid's fridge using a footstool because his fridge is much larger than a normal sized fridge. He looks for the eggs, but to his horror, the only ones he can find are purple*  
  
Ron: Uh, Hagrid... the eggs in here are purple...  
  
Hagrid: I know; they're pickled eggs. Now bring 'em over. *Ron and Harry exchange nervous looks. Hagrid dumps the eggs in the gigantic bowl and starts to mix it with a large spoon while humming.* Hmm...hmm...Oh, stirrin' is so fun...hmm...hmm...hmm *McGonagall and the rest of the audience look very annoyed. All except Madame Maxime, who is giving Hagrid tips*  
  
Madame Maxime: Hagrid you have to put more oomph into it like this. *She hums much more enthusiastically*  
  
Hagrid: Thanks I'll remember tha' honey. *He blows her a kiss which she returns. Harry and Ron look somewhat disgusted.* Now after you've stirred yer eggs, they should look like this. *He tilts the bowl to the camera; the eggs look like a purple mush.* Now you add the butter, sugar, flour an' vanilla, which I've got under the counter.  
  
Ron (to Harry): Those ingredients seem safe. *But Ron was wrong; what Hagrid pulled from under the counter was a great white, powdery ball.*  
  
Harry: Uh, Hagrid... are you sure that's butter, sugar, flour and vanilla?  
  
Hagrid: O' course I'm sure, Harry! Look, wha' I did was I rolled them all up into a ball, it was much easier, an' everythin' stuck ter the butter. *He put the ball into the bowl and stares at it for a moment. Then he asked Professor McGonagall a question.* Uh, Professor McGonagall, would it be alrigh' if I used magic, you know, ter speed this up a bit?*  
  
Professor McGonagall: Absolutely not, Hagrid! You're not allowed to. And besides, we're on t.v.!  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hagrid: We are? *McGonagall sighs*  
  
Hagrid: Alrigh' then, we'll need a reinforcement. Pettigrew! *A rat scurries to the stage and transforms. Everyone screams but Hagrid. Hagrid goes and gets a stool for him. Pettigrew gets on the stool and mixes it in a minute with his magical arm, then he simply waves to the camera, shouts, "Look mom, I'm on t.v.! I bet you wish I was still your pet rat Ron, I'm a lot cooler now!" and leaves.*  
  
Hagrid: Wai', you forgot yer reward! *Hagrid pulls a huge chunk of cheese from under the counter and throws it to Pettigrew, who has already transformed back into a rat, and the cheese falls on him* Oh tha's alrigh'. It was jus' foam anyway. *The rat crawls from a hole in the cheese (it's Swiss.) and scurries away. Filch angrily comes out again, picks up the "cheese" and stomps away.*  
  
Hagrid: Anyway, now tha' tha's stirred we need to...*consults a long list from inside his pocket* ah... add the worms...  
  
Harry and Ron: The what?!  
  
Hagrid: Relax, they're on'y gummy worms. *takes a bowl of gummy worms from under the counter and adds them to the mixture* I got 'em from this great muggle candy store. They even had great big chocolate bars, almost every flavor beans, baby chick shaped marshmallows called Peeps... although' they didn't peep at all like the ones at Zonko's Joke Shop... *McGonagall yells at him; Ron looks very hungry.* Righ', sorry Professor, won't happen again.... now yeh add the worms, and mush it together like this. *Mushes the mixture together enthusiastically with his bare hands while singing, "Worms, worms, they're good fer yer heart, the more yeh eat the more yeh...(McGonagall shakes her head) get smart.*  
  
*Hagrid continues adding such odd (and some yummy) ingredients for a cake such as jelly beans, baked beans, a cup of butterbeer, a teaspoon of mulled mead, and a box of whoever's reading this favorite cereal*  
  
Hagrid: Righ', the mixture's done.  
  
Harry: Er- aren't you forgetting something Hagrid?  
  
Hagrid: Like wha'?  
  
Harry: Like the chocolate part of the chocolate cake?  
  
Hagrid: Chocolate cake...wha'? *Pulls the list from his pocket again* Oh...oh...oops...  
  
Harry (nervously): What's oops?  
  
Hagrid: O' nothin', it'll be fine. It's still a cake an' all jus' me pickled egg, candy, beans, butterbeer, mulled mead, cereal extravaganza cake...it'll be fine. (he repeated) Ron, would yeh put the cake in the oven fer me?  
  
Harry: Don't you have to put it in a cake pan or something?  
  
Hagrid: No, yeh see in the oven it'll change into a cake pan an'...oops...well, just put it in the oven, Ron. *Ron goes up to the oven, steps on the footstool, and puts the cake in the oven. One second later, it's miraculously done. Ron takes the already-made cake from the oven and brings it over to the counter. This magical (or pre-baked and already cut to serve) cake isn't hot at all. The counter has also somehow turned into a table and there are five plates with forks. Lockhart and Alan Rickman are sitting there.*  
  
Lockhart: Please forgive me, but at St. Mungo's they only gave me bran muffins...  
  
Hagrid: Tha's alright, jus' please don't do another jig...that gave me nightmares fer days...  
  
Harry: Hmph! At least you don't have nightmares about Voldemort every night!  
  
Lockhart: A jig? What's a jig? *Everyone ignores him and gets themselves a piece of cake.*  
  
Hagrid: Who wants ter try it first? An' why are you here, Alan?  
  
Alan: Well, Professor McGonagall invited me back for a bite to eat, to make up for the greasy hamburgers that were dumped on my head...but now I'm afraid I've lost my appetite. By the way, Robbie, when I left the Goodburger, the director of Die Hard 4 consulted me and asked if I wanted to do it... they said I would make more money than in these movies...and they offered you a part as my sidekick. The filming is starting in three minutes and the set is next door.  
  
Robbie...er Hagrid OOC: Well I don't know. These movies are pretty fun to do...although the accent thing gets pretty tiring after a while...would I have to wear this itchy fake beard?  
  
Alan: No beard.  
  
Robbie: *claps his hands in the air and jumps up* Yippee! *rips his "beard" off* Let's go! *Alan and Robbie go to leave but Lockhart is frowning.*  
  
Kenneth...I mean Lockhart: W-what about me? Don't I get a part?  
  
Alan: Um...the only part left is a man with a pizza face...  
  
Harry: HEY! THEY STOLE THAT FROM ALL THAT!  
  
Alan: Money buys anything, kid...  
  
Lockhart: Hmm....well it's better than playing a maniac...I think. Alright, I'll do it. *Lockhart takes a pair of dark sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on. Robbie takes off his ridiculous apron and he, Kenneth, and Alan leave the set. Harry and Ron are left sitting there, dumbfounded. McGonagall mumbles for them to make something up.  
  
Harry: So, er-  
  
Ron OOC: I wonder if I could be an extra...  
  
McGonagall: SHUT UP ABOUT THE STUPID MOVIE AND TRY THE CAKE! I wonder if I could be an extra...  
  
Harry: Let's try the cake, then. *takes a bite and his face lights up* Mmm! This is actually good!  
  
Ron: Really? *takes a bite too* Hey you're right... a little beany and crunchy, but good! Too bad that by leaving the set, Hagrid cancelled his contract and this recipe becomes Hogwart's property...I'll be rich! Rich I tell you!  
  
Harry: Ron...you don't even know how to cook.  
  
Ron: Hey, you're right. Dobby!  
  
~*~*~*~End of Chapter 4~*~*~*~ Sorry if that one was a little too long, it went off topic a lot...please review! 


	5. Ask Hermione

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. It and all related indicia are property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers! Review and I'll love you, just don't sue!  
  
Chapter 5: Ask Hermione  
  
*Camera zooms to the Ask Ashley set where Hermione is sitting Indian style on the set bed, wearing Amanda's outfit, and holding a pile of letters. She looks depressed, too.*  
  
McGonagall: Hermione dear, what's wrong?  
  
Hermione: Lockhart...he...he...quit! So did Hagrid!  
  
McGonagall: You forgot Snape.  
  
Hermione: That's because I'm glad he quit!  
  
McGonagall: Don't worry, that was all a prank. I set the whole thing up with the Die Hard 4 producers. *Hermione looks significantly cheerer.*  
  
Hermione: Oh...but why?  
  
McGonagall: It's April Fools Day!  
  
Hermione: Um...I hate to break it to you, Professor, but it's July.  
  
McGonagall: *consults a calendar* Hey, you're right...well it's July Fools Day, then, and please continue with the skit.  
  
Hermione: Ok. Hi Everyone and welcome to Ask Hermione! This is the part of the show where you can ask me for advice or help on anything! And the first letter comes from... *opens a letter* Um... Ron Weasley from the All That set. *reads letter*  
  
Dear Hermione, (That's me!)  
I can't believe you spent the first half of summer with Viktor Krum! He never smiles and acts like a savage and quite frankly, I thought you could do better than that hook-nosed freak. Well, that's all I have to say. See you after the show!  
Ron Weasley, Set of All That, lunchroom  
  
Hermione: Um, Ron, not to be rude or anything but THIS IS AN ADVICE LINE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ASK FOR ADVICE, NOT BASH VIKTOR LIKE YOU HAVE IN THE OTHER HUNDRED LETTERS YOU SENT ME ABOUT THIS TODAY ALONE! *composes herself; McGonagall is so shocked to hear Hermione yelling that she lets it go* Anyway Ron, for all you know all we did was go skiing. And why do you get so upset over me going out with Viktor, anyway? It's not your responsibility! In any case, it's time for another letter. *opens another letter* And this one is signed by... the white-blonde headed boy.  
  
Dear Hermione, (That's me!)  
What's the best way to get back at someone who, say, dumps a bowlful of lettuce over your head causing a migration of bunnies to follow you wherever you go?  
The white- blonde headed boy  
  
Hermione: Hmm... that's a difficult one... how about DON'T DRESS UP IN A BOTTLE OF BLEU CHEESE DRESSING AND ASK FOR SALAD! BUNNIES LIKE SALAD! SALAD= BUNNIES! GET IT, DRACO? By the way, gooood code name, you're the only white-blonde headed boy in the school. Ok, and the next letter is from.........Voldemort. *A shiver is spread throughout the audience and some people gasp.* Oh, come on, why are you all afraid of his name?!?!?  
  
Dear Hermione, (Thaaats me!)  
I'd like to know how to get back at someone who has destroyed someone else's powers 15 years ago. I know you are the smartest person at Hogwarts and that you would know the answer. *Hermione looks flattered.* If you could just tell me how to destroy The Boy Who Lived it would be very helpful.  
  
Signed,  
Voldemort *shiver goes through the audience again*  
  
Hermione: Well...actually, I do know how to destroy Harry once and for all. And since you're the only one who asked for relevant advice, I'm going to tell you. *Everyone can't believe their ears; Voldemort gets out a piece of parchment and a quill, ready to take notes*  
  
Hermione: Well, it's quite easy, really. First you have to....................... *Hermione rambles on for about an hour; Voldemort fills 2 pages of parchment, fron and back.* That's about it, really. Thanks for the educated question! *Everyone is in shock* That's all the time I have today, so tune in next time for......Ask...... Oh, really! *An owl flies to the set and drops a letter, which Hermione catches and rips open; she reads it aloud.*  
  
Dear Hermione,  
Sorry for bugging you! I didn't mean it about Krum...OK so he's not a savage, but he never does smile, that's a fact! You can't deny that, Hermione! Well, I have to go get ready for the next skit. Bye!  
  
Ron Weasley, the set, the audience, the front row, seat number 4  
  
OK, so he's not a savage, but he's still a hook-nosed freak? Ok, Ron.... I really hope Viktor isn't watching this right now... *Ron now looks scared; he quickly gets up and runs to the changing rooms.*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~End of Chapter 5. Maybe I'll do skits over again, but I don't know. Review if you want me to continue with this! If you know of any skits from the old-school All That (the All That with Danny, Kell, Kenan, etc., not the newer ones!) that I didn't include and you'd like written up HP style, then e-mail me with suggestions! My email is Springkitten88@yahoo.com. I may or may not use all suggestions. It may take a while for me to respond/update, what with schoolwork and limited online time. Check out my other fics, which include: A Hermione's Diary, A Blue's Clues Parody, and songfics! (My author name is Valias) ~*~*Valia*~*~ 


	6. Judge Loony

Chapter 6- Judge Looney The Last Chapter of this parody.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, never have, never will.  
  
Summary: This is a short parody of Judge Trudy from the Amanda Show. I know the Amanda Show is not All That, but Amanda was on All That. Luna Lovegood is Judge Loony. Lee Jordan is the moderator, and Crabbe and Goyle are the police guards.  
  
Lee: The first case is between Harry Potter and Severus Snape. Harry is accusing Snape of making him go in front off the class and do the hokey pokey. Snape says that Potter is a dolt and probably had too many butterbeers. I'm hungry.  
  
Judge Loony: All arise. *Everyone rises.* Be seated. *Everyone sits down, even Crabbe and Goyle.* Um, you guys are supposed to be standing! *Crabbe and Goyle grunt stupidly and get back up.* Mr. Potter, you claim that Snape made you do the hokey pokey in front of the entire class, is that right?  
  
Harry: *shivers* Yes. *Everyone gasps disbelievingly and looks accusingly at Snape.*  
  
Snape: This boy doesn't-  
  
Judge Loony: *Slams her gavel down.* SILENCE! Now, Mr. Potter, why would Snape make you do such an embarrassing thing?  
  
Harry: I don't know. One time he made Ron cut up Draco's dung beetles for him.  
  
Judge Loony: Is that right, Mr. Weasley? *Ron, who is a witness of Harry's, nods. Everyone gasps yet again.* Unbelievable.  
  
Snape: That was only because-  
  
Judge Loony: *Slams down her gavel yet again.* BE QUIET! Now, Mr. Weasley, you say you saw this happen?  
  
Ron: Erm, yeah. I came into class late, and Harry was front and center, singing, "You put your left foot in..."  
  
Judge Loony: That's enough, Mr. Weasley. Members of the Jury, if you think Snape is guilty, say "cheese." *Everyone says cheese.* Snape, you are hereby guilty of humiliating Mr. Harry Potter. Any last words?  
  
Snape: I WANT A RETRIAL!  
  
Judge Loony: Too late. You are now sentenced to, uh, do the Macarena while singing it in front of the audience.  
  
Snape: No, I won't. I refuse- *Judge Looney puts a spell on him that makes him go in front of the audience and do the Macarena.* "Hey Macarena, Macarena, Macarena..."  
  
Judge Loony: *laughing* Bring in the dancing shrimp! *Crabbe and Goyle open the door and Draco runs in with a flock of bunnies following him.*  
  
Draco: *Runs off the set.* Ah! Get away from me! *The shrimp then come in and do the Macarena with Snape, Judge Loony, Harry, Ron, and everyone else.*  
  
Lee Jordan: And now, let me introduce our musical guest. *drumroll* With number one hits all over the wizarding billboards, here is the celebrated, the legend, Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart, with special guest, Percy Weasley! *Everyone cheers. The stage, which was just dark, is now lit up. Lockhart is wearing khaki pants and a button down shirt and is standing behind a microphone on a stand. Percy isn't out yet. The song goes to "It's Gonna Be Me" by Nsync.  
  
Lockhart: You might have split ends, babe, that ain't no lie. You've seen them come and go, oh. I can't remember, but you told me That it made you believe in No Pantene, *sigh* Maybe that's why...  
  
Percy walks out to screams. He is wearing a green shirt and jeans. The dancing shrimp run onto stage and take the microphones, with Crabbe and Goyle chasing them with a giant fork. Lockhart and Percy walk forward a bit, so that they are closer to the audience, who scream again. (Lockhart and Percy are also wearing microphone ear pieces.)  
  
*Chorus* (They are dancing like Nsync, with background dancers (Dumbledore, Karkaroff, and Fudge) in the distance.  
  
Every brand shampoo you use Never seems enough for you You don't want to use them again Well I've better shampoo then them Baby, when you finally Use shampoo named by me Guess what, your hair'll be clean.  
  
*Percy backs up with the dancers as Lockhart takes center stage with a microphone that someone in the back handed to him.*  
  
You've got no choice, babe But to switch to my shampoo, you know There ain't no hair to waste, 'cause you're just Too blonde (like me) to see But in the end you know it's gonna be me You can't deny So just tell me why  
  
*Percy walks forward again and Lockhart throws the microphone in the back, accidentally hitting one of the shrimp. It rubs its head and continues running away from Crabbe and Goyle. Dumbledore, Karkaroff, and Fudge start dancing again.*  
  
Every brand shampoo you use Never seems enough for you You don't want to use them again Well I've better shampoo then them Baby, when you finally Use shampoo named by me Guess what, you're hair'll be clean.  
  
*Percy now delivers his solo. He and Lockhart do that tilt thing like Michael Jackson.* There comes a day When you'll rinse and repeat With Lockhart... with Lockhart Brand, sweet. (Pulls a bottle of Lockhart Shampoo out of his pocket, smiles, and throws it in the audience. Hermione catches it, much to Ron's dismay.)  
  
*Lockhart and Percy are now singing.* Shampoo you use Is not enough for you Don't want no split ends Lockhart: So use my shampoo When finally you get to choose (shampoo) Guess what, it's gonna be mine. *Everyone claps. The All That cast walks on stage, including Filch with his plate of kiwis. Everyone is wise not to take one. Everyone but Lockhart that is. As he takes a kiwi, he is transported back to whatever planet he came from.  
  
Percy: WAIT!  
  
Everyone else: What?  
  
Percy: I have one more thing to sing. *blaring beat-like music starts playing. Percy snaps his fingers and is now wearing an outfit like Eminem's. Lee Jordan hops on stage with him with an identical outfit on. Percy is handed a microphone from Lee, who also has one. The All That cast moves to the sides.*  
  
(This goes to 21 Questions by 50 cent) I don't really know all the lyrics to this song, keep in mind. Percy: *rapping* If I joined the Quidditch team, would you still love me? If I didn't catch the snitch, would you still hug me? If I fell off my broom and broke my behind, would you be willing to go to Hogsmeade to get me Every Flavor Beans?  
  
If I became Hogwart's Headmaster, would you hate me? If I beat you at cauldron packing, would I be a geek? I'm down with cauldron packing, you know I like that. Now here's the chorus, I know you hate that.  
  
*Now Lee joins in with the chorus.* Girl, you know it's easy to love me now. But would you love me if I ate Mounds or gained pounds Would you still have love for me...  
  
Harry: Hey, the show's over!  
  
Lee: But we just got started!  
  
Harry: We're on a budget!  
  
*Percy and Lee skulk away, while a mob of fan girls look daggers at Harry.*  
  
Harry: Well, that's all for today. We'll see you next time on *Everyone* All That!  
  
~* End of Chapter 6. Read and review! : ) *~ Did anyone catch any references from any of my other fics? There were a couple! 


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